The Second Coming...Out

How moving home put me back in the closet.

I was supposed to be a doctor, at least that is what my parents have always said. I got three classes from med school and switched my major to Social Work. Instant pay decrease lol. I hid this from the parents for 2 semesters. This was one of so many red flags that I lived by the expectations of others, and when I made a different choice, I hid it. I came out to my parents in my last semester of college and they cut me off financially and we barely spoke for two years. I learned early that love could be conditional. This was another step on the way to anxious attachment.

When my grandmother was sick and passed away, we began the journey to some form of reconciliation. The thing is, we were okay as long as long as we didn’t talk about or bring up my gayness. Trips home were filled with code switching and, what I didn’t realize at the time, deepening the deep shame I pushed down.

I lived and worked away from my family for 25 years. My life became who I was living and working as an out gay man and the non-sexual Ricky with my family. During COVID, I decided I was going to move home to be closer. I left my 20 year career, moved, and began doing general therapy at a clinic closer to home. This was a big mistake.

I have been living as a closeted gay men since moving home. I mean, most people know, but I live with a family who vehemently disagrees with being gay and I work in a system that being open is not allowable. I realized at the top of this year that I was done living for others. I started the journey of figuring out what this meant for me. I had followed Coach Kevin Martin for awhile on his socials and subscribed to his then clubs. I decided to join a 21 Day Challenge that he was putting on. It was a tough, but incredible experience. I also got to know Kevin pretty well through it. On a whim, I asked him about some individual coaching. He was patient as I tend to run when Ii get uncomfortable, but he stayed with me through this. This journey has been challenging, but damn, has it been freeing. I have learned to tackle my shame, my trauma, my internal beliefs head on. I have learned to be one person and he is fucking gay as hell. This has stepped on toes and challenged how the people in my life relate to me. It is sad that being who I am is so difficult for others, but I have learned that this is their issue and not mine. I am even working with Kevin to launch my coaching business. I am so excited to work with a gay business owner who aligns with my values and ethics. This is going to get so good!

If I can do this, I assure you anyone can. I am not special, at least not in the healing space.

Believe in yourself. Invest in yourself. Love yourself. Advocate for yourself. Find people that also believe in your healing and your goals. Connect with gay folx in your physical and/or online community. I am here for you and with you.

With you in this journey,

Ricky